I've been thinking today about endings.
Most things end with the hope of something new. The loss of an old job with the excitement of a new career. The sadness of a permanent move with the prospect of meeting new friends and seeing new places. The end of high school with the thrill of college and independence.
And, some things just end.
Things that we cannot get back.
Mostly people. People who pass on, and no matter how hard we try to focus on what will be in the next life, we solidly know that our time on earth with them is something we will never get back. Not ever.
And, when that happens, we realize that we have lost a part of us. And, that we will never be the same. Not ever.
And, that's me. I am not the same. I see life altered. My weeks are different. My holidays are not complete. My worth is not fed in the same way. My joy comes from other sources. My pain has a distinct focus. My service is diminished. My moments are lacking. I am not the same.
And, it is deep.
So deep that when other changes come, they are harder to handle, and hope is more of an effort.
I've tried to go back to who I was before I lost someone so important to me. It has been a forceful battle and a vengeful endeavor.
But, today I know something that I didn't know yesterday. Today I know that whoever I was before, I no longer am now.
So. Who am I?
I will always be the puzzle with its missing piece.
But, that is what makes me so beautiful. Because every missing piece has a story, and those stories will always be mine. That missing piece that has taught me patience and tolerance, but mostly compassion. That missing piece means that no one can "put me together" without remembering that which is lost. It means that what I cannot get back, here on this earth, will always be with me. It means that that which has made me old and nearly ready to be discarded, has also made me unique.
And, if I am not who I used to be, then that can only mean one thing... that I am new.
How often do we grieve and not recognize that our grief forces us to become new creatures? I grieved as a girl when there was too much anger and too little understanding. I grieved as a teen when I knew I had to be stronger than those that were given me to protect me. I grieved when I realized that you cannot escape hurt. I grieved when I lost. I grieved when those around me lost too. I grieved when I realized that I was still scared. I grieved when that baby inside of me, so itty bitty, didn't live. I grieved when I lost that one amazing person who gave me a mother's love. And I grieved when I recognized that I had absolutely no idea how to grieve.
I have cried often.
But, today... right now? Well. Right now I have this idea forming in my head. The idea that, I. Am. New.
New.
Do you know how many people in the scriptures "become new"? So many. Do you know that it is a commandment from God to "become new"? Well, it is.
New.
I may not be anything else, but today I am new, and that is something to look forward to.
-Amy
