Three days ago, our family had just finished a big dinner together. We were full and happy, and the air had everything in it that I love about Fall. To perfectly set-off the year's holiday spark, afterwards we plopped ourselves down on the family room floor and turned on The Polar Express. (Is it crazy that I get a little choked up just sitting here, remembering it, while typing in the title?) I love this movie. I love how it epitomizes the magical spirit of Christmas. I love that it is about faith and love, and believing in something bigger and sweeter than your finest dreams. But, there is one moment that I love, more than all the others.
There is this poor, little boy who ends up boarding the train. He is the only kid on the train whose name the viewers are privileged to know. He is Billy. He's the little boy who has watched life let him down over and over again. He is the little boy who is wondering if hanging on to that last strand of hope is even worth it. By the end of the movie, he ends up receiving three amazing gifts.
The first is the Christmas he always wanted, with the tree, and the lights, and the big present with his name on it, wrapped up in a bow. The second gift is even greater. It is the gift of two new, trustworthy friends. The third gift though, is of the highest value, and ultimately, my most favored. It is in the words that the conductor punches into his golden train ticket. Three phrases.
Rely on. Count on. Depend on.
There was a time in my life when I truly believed that anyone who had ever professed to love me would eventually stop. Not just stop, but completely turn away from me. The voices in my head would say things like, "Oh, they love you now, but they'll soon leave you, just you wait." It sounds awful and sad. And, it was.
As a full-fledged grown-up now, I can see how and when this fear surfaced. Sadly too, I was just a kid. So, things that didn't even relate would still somehow solidify the fear. Every time we moved and I lost people I loved, any time a relative or friend would pass away, any time a crush would fade or a relationship would end, my immature head would turn it into fate, a curse, the inevitable. Whatever you want call it. It was there for a long time, telling me that love wouldn't last.
And then, there came a moment. A moment when I was wondering if that last strand of hope was even worth hanging onto. Pivotal.
Now, I was like Billy. I had already been granted two amazing gifts. The first… I knew God. I knew that He listened to me. I knew that He was aware of me and all that surrounded me. I knew His love well enough that I could recognize blessings that He had put in my path. Even when I was very young. I knew that He knew that I was capable. The second… I had friends. No matter how many times we moved, there was always some amazing soul that embraced me in friendship. These weren't just your average, run-of-the-mill friends, either. They were quality. They let me laugh and relax. They gave me compliments that I remember to this day. They had no idea that compliments were scarce for me. They let me see the other side of the looking glass. They lifted me, rescued me, loved me, and let me really live in their friendship.
These gifts sustained me, but my third gift, the pivotal one… the third gift made me.
At the time, certain circumstances in my life were crushing, and I lacked everything that I needed to leave them behind. I was so stuck and it was killing me. But, I had this friend. This amazing, selfless friend. She had talked to her mom about me, and together they made one beautiful decision. They offered me a place in their home. Gift number three.
I recently got the chance to thank her personally for all that she did for me. Even now though, I know that I didn't do it justice. Her whole family embraced me. Her brothers teased me. Her sister inspired me. Her mom filled me with amazing food. Their family dinners were epic. Their home buzzed. She gave me everything. She let me see a real home, not a perfect home, but a home filled with real love. She let me sink so deep… deep enough that I could start climbing out. She made me laugh. And laugh. She gave me joy. Honest joy. And, she relied on me too. She let me be a friend back. And, then, she was honest with me. They all were. They pushed me, and I learned to make it. Without them, I never could have. Because of her. Because of them. I learned to… rely on, count on, and depend on.
I suppose God saw what a gift He gave me in her, because years later, when I was a young mom with three little munchkins and one very busy husband, and I felt like I had nothing left for anyone else but my tiny crew, God gave me another pivotal friend. No matter what I said or did, she wouldn't leave me alone. She called me and invited me to everything. Everything. In fact, she'd act like it was my idea to go in the first place. She'd want to do crazy things like get our families together for dinner, or carpool for preschool, or go out for one serious girls night. At first, I thought it was all insane. After all, who on earth needed to be that social! Plus, she had no idea how much her idea of fun pulled me out of my happy little comfort zone. And then, one day, it dawned on me how un-lonely I was. I had had no idea that I even needed a friend at that time in my life, but Heavenly Father knew, and she was it. Perfectly insistent. Perfectly stubborn. Perfect. She taught me again how much I could rely on true friends, and how beautiful it felt when I knew, that they knew, that they could also depend on me.
And now? I am blessed beyond measure.
You have no idea.
After every phone call, after every girls night out or late night walk, after every book club, church event or double date, I am rejoicing. Rejoicing in my greatest gifts.
Above all, I know from whom they come. President Monson recently counseled us, "May we ever strive to be close to our Heavenly Father. To do so we must pray to Him and listen to Him every day. We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: 'I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.'"
Never forsake. Never.
Rely on, count on, depend on, for His friendship will not fail.
