You know that moment, just before you wake up, when your dream state suddenly becomes conscious of that incessant alarm beeping its "Good Morning" call on the other side of the bed? Well, my body kinda does that, too. Just before I get really sick, I have a day or two where I just do not feel up to par. My teeth hurt, my throat is strained, my ankles are tired, my muscles have a dull ache, I'm too thirsty and not hungry enough, and I could literally sleep all day. This is my alarm, telling me to take it easy, or else I will wake up the following day truly ill.
This used to drive me nuts, and, if I am honest, sometimes still does. Usually I'd handle it marvelously well. (note the not-so-slight sarcasm) I'd be stubborn and do even more. I'd ignore it and think that hypochondria must run deeper in my veins than I thought. Or, I'd get mad at it, and feel guilty for it's indication that I was "less than". "Less than" what I am not sure, but definitely "less".
Why did I think that way? I have no idea.
I mean, I have some theories that make perfect sense. The only thing that doesn't make sense is why I put any validity into those theories. I'm stubborn enough, I should've written them off long ago.
Kinda crazy what we hang onto.
I have this quote hanging in my hallway that states, "Once you become consciously aware of just how powerful your thoughts are, you will realize everything in your life is exactly how YOU allow it to be." That was written by Melanie Moushigian Koulouris. I have no idea who she is. I should probably Google her name sometime, and see what other brilliant things come up. But, this statement of hers, is commanding...compelling, I can't decide which one it is more than the other.
Is everything in my life really exactly how I allow it to be?
I don't know. When you grow up a victim, even a strong, faithful victim, little processes of thought get stuck in your head. You feel guilty for nothing, and nearly pressured in everything. But, I believe that working out the kinks of our thought processes is a lifetime effort, no matter who you are or how you were raised.
One of my favorite hymns says, "Know this. That every soul is free." We all have that agency within us. Yes, we are all influenced by that which surrounds us, but we have all been given that great gift from God to "choose for ourselves". It comes at a price, but not even one that we had to pay. Our Savior paid that price. Our faith in Him frees us to change. Because of the safety of His atoning love for us, we are, as we follow His will, able to "become new creatures"…to "choose the good"…to "hope with surety"…to "choose our lives and what we'll be. For this eternal truth was given, that God will force no man to heaven. He'll call, persuade, direct aright, and guide with wisdom, love and light. In every way be good and kind, but never force the human mind."
We blame too many things on everyone, everything, but ourselves.
I memorized that hymn when I was a teenager. I only know three verses by heart, and kept thinking that there must have been a verse that I had forgotten. So I looked it up. And, there is…
May we no more our pow’rs abuse,
But ways of truth and goodness choose;
Our God is pleased when we improve
His grace and seek his perfect love.
I recently learned about grace and what it really is. Grace is "the free and unmerited favor of God". Grace encompasses all those blessings, talents, experiences, love, happiness, etc., that we receive from God, not related to the obedience of any commandment, the holiness of our actions, the depth and breadth of our faith, or because we even deserve it. Grace is what we receive from God just because He is God. When we "improve" His grace, we take these unmerited favors gratefully, and kindly let them increase the light within us. When we do this, we find His perfect love.
It is amazing to me, when I ponder on the small things of life, how it often leads me to the larger truths.
I am still not feeling up to par. I smile as I type that, because it seems so nearly pathetic after such a proclamation of God's love for us. And, yet, the truth of the matter is, I am a human. I am a stay at home mom. I live a simple existence, full of great periods of solitude wrapped in rushing moments of parenthood. And, in this simple existence, little things like waking up not feeling so good, make a difference. It means I cannot run today. It means I'm not up playing with the kids. It means I fall asleep while my toddler watches Sesame Street in the bed beside me. It means I cannot pull out that sheet music I was dying to practice. It means a simple dinner, one which I will ask for help with from the kids. It means having patience with myself and whatever clutter gathers in my home. It means staying at home and forgoing library storytime today. It means putting off my errands until tomorrow. It means a lot of time to think and think, and try to not think.
Wow. I have literally taken you on a hike in this post. Up to the summit and right back down again.
So. Is everything in my life just as I allow it to be? Probably. But, now I am determined to seek out what I want it to be.
And, what do I want?
I want to wake up, feeling a little bit under the weather, just plain rejoicing. Rejoicing that God has given me my own warning system, knowing that if I just pamper myself for a day or two, I'll avoid a 2 week long illness. Rejoicing that I can slow down and take a minute to just see my kids. Rejoicing that I have seasons of Gilmore Girls just begging me to watch them, and a book club book calling to me. Rejoicing that I have an excuse for making a simple dinner and letting mundane tasks slide for a bit. Rejoicing that storytime today means on my lap, in my sweats, with my kids hair tickling my face as I read to her. Rejoicing that I had enough time to ponder on some pretty big things and find Heaven in the process.
I want rejoicing. :-)
